I don't want this, it's made my life hell, I have been ostracized by my peers, no one believes me, or they believe me and just believe I'm nuts. I can't control it. It won't just appear on command, so it makes me look even more nuts. Depression seems to play a factor in this, so does stress. I will give you that. It seems to hit hardest when I feel like crap or I'm really stressed.
I have studied meditation, the tarot, and even astrology, a friend of mine recommended them because of the feelings I was having, they aren't really visions, they are more like feelings. They only seemed to make the stupors last longer and become audible, they make them worse. I have no control what so ever.
I'm so ashamed, my priest says im going crazy too, he thinks I should see a dr.
I am alone...
You are not alone. I went through the exact same thing, and I have gotten many many letters over the years, just like yours. It's heartbreaking to me to read your pain and know I cannot provide the answer you are hoping for, but I don't believe you are crazy, either. You are just a hyper-sensitive empath living in an unsympathetic situation.
I don't have any real control over my visions or impressions either. I have come to accept that too. They come when they do. The more journaling I have done though, the more the evidence has mounted up that what I sense is real, and the more I am able to tell the difference between fearful thoughts, wishful thinking and a real intuition.
One thing that has made a huge difference to my happiness is that I don't try to convince anyone else that it is real anymore ... not even you. I don't care if you believe me that my gift is real or not. What matters is that I believe it. If you are still doubting yourself, it is no wonder you are unhappy. Start journaling and meditating. You will benefit from it in ways you can't begin to imagine.
Some of my friends are doubters too ... but you know what? I don't care! Those who truly love me, love me anyway, and those who are mean about it ... well, I weeded them out of my life a long time ago. Life is too short to have closed-minded, fear-based people around me. That includes family in my case. The only one I really talk to much is my mother. That may sound sad, but the truth is I never had much in common with the rest of them anyway. I have a new circle of friends now who are the most loving and supporting people I could hope for, and I am the happiest I have ever been. When I look back, the truth is I am better off without some of those people in my life.
I felt strongly from the beginning that depression is a factor in your situation, and the best thing I did for depression was taking The QuinnTessential Experience classes. If you don't feel that is for you, and you cannot get to Toronto, then the next best thing is to go see your doctor and see if you can get a referral to a cognitive therapist. That's the closest thing in traditional medicine to what they teach at The QuinnTessential Experience. Watch the movie "The Secret". There are some clues in there as well. I think you are not "crazy" if you are just depressed. I think your priest is probably trying to get you to get help for your depression, but unless he actually used that word, then you are projecting your judgments onto him. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I don't understand why you feel ashamed. What have you done to be ashamed of? If in the rare event you do have some sort of mental illness (I am not a psychiatrist but you sound sane to me), then that is not your fault. Talk it over with your doctor, he or she will be able to see if you need intervention. If you don't have a mental illness, then all you are guilty of being is sensitive and gifted! Cut yourself a break. It's bad enough that other people have been unsupportive, you don't need to put yourself down as well.
I do think you should avoid Tarot or astrology for now. It will open you up more, when what you need to do is ground yourself. Focus your energy on physical activity. Meditate, learn how to ground yourself. Pray. Once you get to the stage where you can accept this, that is the time to broaden your studies.